dissonance

Fantasy Dinner Party Guest List

Rules: Has to be living, no friends or family

1) Zach Braff - Duh.  And I'm curious to know if he's as interesting in real life as he is "in character".  His blog says yes, but the thing about blogs is that you get time to edit and re-edit.

2) Jon Stewart - He can talk to anyone from former presidents to celebrities. The man is a brilliant conversationalist.

3) Angelina Jolie - I really do admire her even though she's weird. I bet she'd be interesting to talk to.

4) Father Desmond Tutu - Recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. I saw him on the Daily Show on Monday and I have to say I was absolutely captivated by him in the short 7 minute interview.  I am definately going to buy his book.

5) Tom Hanks - I always thought he must be the nicest nicest nicest guy.  I think Rita Wilson is a very lucky woman.

So the thing about lists like these is that as soon as you write it down, you want to change it. So here's my disclaimer saying that this is who I'd want to have dinner with right now.  I just can't think of anyone else at the moment.

Some truths come out

I am about to shatter everyone's illusion that I'm a cool person (do people with such illusions exist?). I'm ready to accept myself for who I am.

Here are some ugly facts about me:

I like Nsync. I've been to 3 of their concerts. I am mad at Justin for not wanting to do another album with them. But at the same time, I understand why.

Sometimes I drink soda for breakfast; it's usually Pepsi.

I am riveted by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsens' every fashion move.

When flipping through channels I must stop to watch if Groundhog Day is playing ("I got you babe").

I love stupid puns. Just the other night I heard Ellen Degeneres say "Aren't saris and sarongs the same thing? Well if they're not, then I'm sari that I'm sarong." To me, that was ROTFLMFAO funny.

When I go to ATM's and someone before me left their transaction reciept, I take a look at their balance.

America's Next Top Model "Cycle 3" begins on Wednesday and I believe it will be awesome.

I actually don't think Garden State was that good.

Haha PSYCH! That was actually just a segway to say that I think "psych!" needs to come back. Way funnier than "just kidding!"

I am miyon. This is what I do.

Girl friends vs. Girlfriends

First to clarify, when I say girlfriends, I mean my female friends who have boyfriends. Not my girlfriend. I know, the interesting factor just went down about 50 points but please, give this entry a shot.

Single girl friends will go out with you at a moment's notice. Not just for what I call going "out out" (i.e. clubbing and what not) but go out period. 90% of things I do around town is because of my single friends. Everything from eating, movie watching, kayaking, travelling, etc. That's what my memories are made of.

Activities with friends in a relationship need to be formulated, planned and executed with a precision that defies most digital planners. Ok I exaggerate a little. But some of it lies in truth. If I want to go out with a friend of mine and she has a boyfriend I must either 1) figure out a day/time that she doesn't already have something planned with her boyfriend or 2) resign myself to play third wheel and bring the significant other along.

I'm not complaining. It is how it is. I know that's the way it was when I was in a relationship.

But friends with boyfriends are great for being the eternal relationship optimist. Single friends too easily feed on each other's pessimism for the single life. We complain to each other and heartily agree with each other's complaints. Many servings of alcohol and packs of cigarettes have been sacrificed in the name of cursing men and the planet they came from.

Girlfriends tend toward the "Oh you'll find someone perfect for you, I just know it!" kind of "advice". Usually that kind of thing makes me gag and think, "yeah right, you lovesick puppy". But they seem so genuine and seem to truly believe you deserve the best and the best is yet to come that a part of you starts to believe it too. And that's a nice break from the "all boys are crap and I'm going to be single forever" kind of mentality.

Girlfriends and girl friends alike though, I love you all. Boyfriends and boy friends on the other hand... well that's for another day.

The intersection

Garden State view count: 3

Ok really, I'm done. I won't see it anymore until it comes out on DVD, I promise. But honestly, I figured out even more stuff watching it a third time. I know, I'm nutty as a fruitcake or something like that.

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So I think I'm ready to write about what I have learned about who you are, what you can do, and be happy doing it. I learned this at some work meeting and it got stuck in my head. I've already talked about it to a few people and I think (I hope) they found it interesting too.

Imagine if you will, three intersecting circles (I hate MSpaint too, but bear with me):

Circle A - What you are passionate about?
This represents the activities in your life that you are really interested in. When you are pursuing these activities you're revitalized and excited about the next time.

Circle B - What were you made to do?
Now, just because you are passionate about say gymnastics, doesn't mean you are 4 feet tall and have bones made of rubber. This doesn't apply necessarily to physical attributes either. Someone can love chess, play chess all the time, but still suck at it and always lose.

Circle C - What will people pay you to do?
Maybe you have a passion for burping and you practice a couple of hours a day. Maybe you have a weird physical trait that allows you to recite both the alphabet and the Gettysburg address after one sip of Diet Coke. But is someone going to pay you for this? Well, at least pay you enough to make a living?

The intersection
Now, the point where these three circles interesect, that's the key. This is when you're doing something and you think, "Hot damn, I can't believe I'm getting paid to do this." Finding this intersection is what I think I need to strive for.

Taxonomy of friends

A couple of days ago my morning radio show was talking about how people subconsciously put their friends into different "classes". You know you do it.

Let's break it down shall we?

Class A: These are your homies. You talk to them almost everyday. They know about that time that you did you know what. But they would never blab cause you got just as much dirt on them. And they'll always be on your side. Even if you're being an absolute idiot, they'll help you pick up the pieces. If you are going to have a bbq you plan it with them.

Class B: These are good friends. No shared secrets, but good for a movie or dinner. They get invited to your bbq but you won't change the date for them. Some of them are good candidates for Class A depending on what happens at the bbq.

Class C: You see these guys at other people's bbqs. Conversations run dry after the initial, "Soooo... what have you been up to?" It is rare for them to move from C to A, they would need to be in Class B for a while first.

I think lately I have more Class A friends than Class B friends. Lucky me! But it might be that way just cause I don't have that many friends at all.

It might also be worth mentioning that this is about friends. So just cause someone is Class C doesn't mean you don't like them. I believe there's a whole different classification system for enemies, which may be fun to study in depth one of these days.

I am keeping comments private for this one. The radio conversation got a bit touchy and I want to avoid that here. :)

Home

Sometimes, when I'm sitting at home, I get homesick. How is that possible? It isn't that I miss San Francisco. That's not my home anymore. I've made my life here. Isn't this home?

It usually happens when I sit quietly with all my distractions turned off. Maybe I just finished a chapter in a book so my mind is temporarily clear. Or maybe I'm just sitting here staring out the window. Whatever the situation, there's a stillness in the air and silence surrounds me. I get a little disoriented and I feel lost and out of place. Isn't that homesickness? The feeling doesn't last. I usually shake myself out of it. But there's a lingering feeling of longing that can only be squelched by the one of the distractions I've learned to surround myself with.

So what is home? I guess it's not about where I am physically. I'll know I've found home when I can get rid of the distractions and find peace in the silence. I'll feel like I belong. And that's when I'll know I've come home.

Edited to add
Zero7 friggin rocks my socks. Lyrics from "Home":

Take me somewhere we can be alone
Make me somewhere I can call a home
'Cause lately I've been losing my own

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Yuk. Why am I such a freaking downer? In other news, because life is all about balance, here is a joke:

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Woo.
Woo who?
Calm down, it's just a joke.

The Tide revisited

Funny how songs can strike a chord with you.

From Undertow by Ivy:

You can't fight the undertow
Not when you're all alone
You can't fight the undertow
How long til you let go
How long til you let go

Most of the song is about growing up and not being able to hold onto childhood. But I still thought the chorus was strikingly appropriate to my entry about The Tide

And also from Edge of the Ocean by Ivy:
Ohhh, we can begin again
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again

Dang... how does the iPod know?

The Tide

I've been trying very hard to distract myself lately. I keep trying to pack my life with events and surround myself with people because the times I'm alone, I start to feel the waves come toward me. I don't like being alone with my thoughts anymore. Before, it used to be that daydreaming was one of my favorite activities. But now, I hate silence. I leave the television on for hours at time so I can't even hear myself think. If it isn't the tv, it's my trusty iPod.

It's like when you were a kid and you were at the beach. Remember how you used to make those little sand forts to stop the waves coming in? We were idiots. How the hell is sand supposed to stop the tide coming in? But we pretended like it just might work. If I had enough sand, and I built the fort high enough, I just might stop the ocean.

For instance, today I went to Target to spend a gift certificate I got from work. I planned to get some shampoo, body soap, a hook for my bathrobe, and maybe treat myself to a book.

What did I leave the store with?

Dammit.

Not only did I get the 'necessities', I also go 3 DVDs (Jerry Maguire, Fifth Element, Office Space, all $10), 4 books (Amazon has recommended them all to me at one point or another), a card for my parents (they just got their citizenship) and a picture frame for my co-worker (just had a baby). I pretty much spent as much as the gift certificate was worth.

Now why did I do this? Besides the obvious fact that Target is wonderfully evil, I know a part of me just wanted to get lost in the buying, shopping, aquiring. I have no plans for tonight, so the longer I can stay out of the house, the better. Just trying to stop the tide.

I know that this can't last. Actually, I look forward to the day that I accept the tide coming in. The waves will crash into me and I will taste the salt on my skin. My eyes will sting and my skin will shiver. But at least I will finally know what the ocean is all about and I won't be scared anymore.

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Dammit. Sorry to be such a pooper. But here is sometihng to end on a light note. Cindy and I sold donuts at work today.

And the Panda is always right:

Quarter Life Crisis

Patty introduced me to the phenomenon of the Quarter Life Crisis. Assuming life expectancy is 100, I think I'm going through it. And if conversations with my contemporaries show anything, it's that I'm not alone.

From our IM conversation
Patty: around the time you turn 25 and you're confused about life and where its going and what you are doing to get where you are because while you were growing up you had all these hopes and dreams and at quarter life its not what you expected it to be.

Let's do a little cross-comparison between my hopes of as 15 year old and the realities of being 25.
Well traveled: Been to places, but not nearly enough to be considered "well travelled"
Financially stable: Ugh. My stomach hurts to think about money.
Have a "career": It's a job. I'm guessing I'm about 2 years away from calling it a career.
Be in a "real" relationship: Those close to me know the deal on this one and it ain't good.

Ok so this is where my annoying optimism comes in. I can't really think of anything else. Sure I'm unhappy about some stuff in my life (really unhappy), but those things are not what my life is about and what makes me wake up in the morning.

I live on my own. I get to decide what to do with my time/money/energy. I've got friends. Really good friends. I've got a kick ass apartment. I've got a kick ass computer (paying for it through my teeth, but it kicks ass). My colleagues at work respect me. I have a clear conscience (today). I can walk 12 miles. I can see, hear, smell, touch. I can dance like there's no tomorrow.

So why do I still feel so unsatisfied with my life?

Is that even a bad thing?

'Cause the moment you're completely satisfied with life... what are you living for?

White Castle, Islands, Oriental Jenga

Just want to jot down memories from last night.

Regina loves everyone that thinks she's funny.
Companies still use the word "oriental".
"Oriental" jenga rules.
Any game can turn into a drinking game.
Mixing white wine, mangorita, champagne, vodka tonic, and beer is not a brilliant move.
My fingers have a strange attraction to honey mustard sauce (dipped them 3 times!!).
John has mathematical proof he is the best looking guy in the world (planet?).
Eric is lost.