I have to get this off my chest right now because I refuse to let my birthday be tainted. Tomorrow, nay, the rest of my life will be spectacular and fabulous and wonderful and fulfilling and complete.
But for the next 1.5 hours I dedicate my efforts to seething anger. Furious, unchecked, anger.
I am sorry I ever trusted the bastard, lies all lies.
I am sorry I ever thought he was capable of achieving... anything. "Lah-oser" with the L to the forehead and everything.
I am sorry I ever encouraged him, you can't encourage a slug, what a waste of breath.
I am sorry I ever fed him, totally unappreciative palate and cheap at that.
I am sorry I ever wasted my friends' time by talking him up around them, I feel really dumb and I'll make you guys good food to make up for it.
I am sorry I ever kept him warm with knitterly items made of yarn FAR too good for his sorry head and neck and I think I'll ask for it back and donate it to a crack addict who actually deserves it.
I am sorry I ever gave him the benefit of the doubt.
I am sorry he ever made me doubt myself.
I am sorry I ever thought he was right about anything.
I am sorry I ever thought he was good enough for me.
I am sorry I ever thought he was manly.
I am sorry I ever thought giving the best of myself to someone would be enough.
I am sorry I ever thought he was true about God because how can anyone pray so much and still be such a horrible person? Yeah, you better pray for your flaws and you know they run deep. And because I know what it actually means to be true, I will pray for your conscience and hope that you will one day be able to look yourself in the eye and not flinch because I don't know how you do it now, you big fat hypocrite. I'm surprised the mirror doesn't crack from your deceit.
I am sorry I ever shed tears.
I am sorry I ever let him see my smile, heard my laugh, or hold my hand.
And (this is extreme, but let's face it, this is extreme circumstances) I am sorry I ever met him.
I never say that.
Ever.
Because every life (every life) (until now) that has touched mine has given me something to learn, something to cherish and keep close to me. Until now. What have I to show except a bitter heart and distrust in myself?
So I'm sorry I ever met him.
I am NOT sorry I wrote this.