I've been trying very hard to distract myself lately. I keep trying to pack my life with events and surround myself with people because the times I'm alone, I start to feel the waves come toward me. I don't like being alone with my thoughts anymore. Before, it used to be that daydreaming was one of my favorite activities. But now, I hate silence. I leave the television on for hours at time so I can't even hear myself think. If it isn't the tv, it's my trusty iPod.
It's like when you were a kid and you were at the beach. Remember how you used to make those little sand forts to stop the waves coming in? We were idiots. How the hell is sand supposed to stop the tide coming in? But we pretended like it just might work. If I had enough sand, and I built the fort high enough, I just might stop the ocean.
For instance, today I went to Target to spend a gift certificate I got from work. I planned to get some shampoo, body soap, a hook for my bathrobe, and maybe treat myself to a book.
What did I leave the store with?
Dammit.
Not only did I get the 'necessities', I also go 3 DVDs (Jerry Maguire, Fifth Element, Office Space, all $10), 4 books (Amazon has recommended them all to me at one point or another), a card for my parents (they just got their citizenship) and a picture frame for my co-worker (just had a baby). I pretty much spent as much as the gift certificate was worth.
Now why did I do this? Besides the obvious fact that Target is wonderfully evil, I know a part of me just wanted to get lost in the buying, shopping, aquiring. I have no plans for tonight, so the longer I can stay out of the house, the better. Just trying to stop the tide.
I know that this can't last. Actually, I look forward to the day that I accept the tide coming in. The waves will crash into me and I will taste the salt on my skin. My eyes will sting and my skin will shiver. But at least I will finally know what the ocean is all about and I won't be scared anymore.
Dammit. Sorry to be such a pooper. But here is sometihng to end on a light note. Cindy and I sold donuts at work today.
And the Panda is always right:
